party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
you never un-have a 4some
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
