He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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