watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
