Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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