I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
