There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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