I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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