Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize