I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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