Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
