I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize