so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
