We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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