I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
