I love black thongs
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
