whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
