this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Drake has all the answers
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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