all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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