The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
