You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
