nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize