My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
