this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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