anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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