I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
