Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
