i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
