UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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