3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
