her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
jump out the window naked night went bad
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
