Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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