apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
