Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
