She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
