never play flip cup with pint glasses
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize