found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
