I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
