don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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