Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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