he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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