So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
