I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
