She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
