then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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