When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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