I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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