through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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