Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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