My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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