i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
