Your dad touched me again.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
