He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
