I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
