I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
