I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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