I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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